Chapter 2 - Remembering

Abstract

There are moments in our lives when we know the weight of our decisions will define our core story, even as we struggle to remember our core values.

Introduction

The weight of my decision was unbearable. I am a clinical oncologist, and I had my second child at the start of the pandemic shutdown, right during my relentless pursuit to become a partner at my practice. I had two years to achieve this goal, but it was becoming increasingly clear I was going to need to set boundaries. Every time I said yes to something at the office, I felt I was saying no to myself. In order to live my own core story, honor my values, and hold on to my sanity, I requested an extension on the deadline to become partner.

Coming from familial and cultural backgrounds that valued accomplishment, the amending of my original goal felt shameful. For years it was a failure I could not share. I have since read Michelle Obama's books, in which she mentions being the "first and only" in a room, and how such situations felt like navigating without any road map. I was the only woman in our clinic, so when I decided to request an extension, this was exactly how I felt. How would everyone at my practice react? Was this going to paint me as a stereotypical struggling career mom rather than who I really was, a highly educated doctor and mother who was committed to living within my boundaries and working in an understanding environment? My mind was inundated by negative self-talk and illogical looming fear. Would my request for an extension be seen as a breach of contract? Would everything I worked so hard for be sabotaged by an ugly dispute and a tarnished reputation? Despite the uncertainty, I remembered another key aspect of Michelle Obama's navigation: feeling the worth to show up whole.

This means telling the truth, owning my struggles, taking accountability, being myself, and living my story without shame.

To my relief my colleagues were empathetic, not only granting the extension but also entering an astonishing period of collective reflection. I have since become partner, and with my core values, career, and family not only intact but elevated beyond any original imagination.

There is a quote that states, "Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes."

Finding the courage to use your voice and tell your core story can ignite a wave of impactful progress.

Analysis

We now have non-partner tracks, and even among the partners we have a diversity of work options allowing us to attract top talent without imposing artificial deadlines. We are focused on growth and innovation, and now have several female doctors in the practice who have small children.

If you have a vision for your life, a goal you want to achieve, or a decision it's time to make, there are simple things you can remember to do to unlock your own success.

They are things not taught in medical school, and they don't show up on any college class curriculum. Yet if you learn to embody these practices, you'll find that you've become the very best version of yourself, and you'll at last understand your worth.

SET YOUR LEVELS

Life moves fast, sometimes by default rather than by design. Are we doing things we get to do or forcing ourselves to do things we have to do?

Level setting is a powerful tool that asks you to evaluate your life. First, get real about how big of a gap exists between where you are and where you're going. Next, set realistic, measurable benchmarks that move you closer to your goal without compromising your values. Hold yourself accountable to these benchmarks as well as your integrity of how you achieve your timelines.

That means do not split the difference when it comes to your worth. Remember, you are not part family person, part partner. I knew I wanted to tuck my kids in at night. I wanted to be present for them on the weekends. Once I knew that, I measured every decision and opportunity against that parameter, and the definition of partner if it was the right fit would simply have to integrate this boundary.

Not that long ago I had to decide between going to an office party or spending the evening with my kids. Before, this would have been an agonizing internal debate. Now with my core values set as my compass, I am no longer encumbered by a dilemma between two false options in the proverbial crossroads. The goal will always be the uneventful time at home with my family, and I'm comfortable with that, knowing I can catch up with work colleagues at another time.

Though it might sound like a mundane decision, it is actually a mindful, formative daily practice. After all, unlocking success is not a momentary parting of clouds in a majestic sky, but rather the seemingly tiny tedious decisions of everyday life.

Remembering your core story is not easy, but also it does not have to be complicated. Try it out yet be gentle with yourself. Enlist boundaries that are kind to others even if they may make them uncomfortable. Tell them your truth and trust that they have the strength to understand you. Ultimately, you will see yourself charting the course to a place that feels more whole. Regardless of the rooms you show up in and whether you are the first or only—you will be there as the most authentic version of yourself.

ACT AS IF

Many of us have heard such terms as imposter syndrome, or fake it 'til you make it. These bits of well-intended advice may feel like platitudes or be taken as permission to act inauthentically. However, some old adages do hold bold truths, particularly the act of dressing up for the job you want, not the job you have.

When I was agonizing over the way others perceived me while I was on the traditional partner track, I felt as though I had somehow abandoned myself in one of the darkest places and times in my life. I had backed myself into a corner of doubt and fear, certain that I would appear weak and unqualified by the request for an extension. Then it hit me—if I were already a partner, how would I handle this? What would an aspirational partner of this practice say and do if a deadline wasn't going to be met? I imagined that a partner would show strong leadership, would craft a vision that supported the approach and would strategically consider the growth impact of positive change. I could speak confidently knowing I was putting the practice first and working to take care of the team and our patients.

That small shift was all I needed to remember.

I didn't walk into that meeting in the role of candidate but rather in the mindset of a successful, curiosity-driven, abundant partner. I learned that it's best not to show up embodying the position you're in but rather the one you want!

LEVERAGE THE POWER OF HUMILITY

I am, by nature, an assertive person. I was the kid in class whose hand shot up as soon as the teacher asked a question. Later, societal conditioning taught me to wait my turn. However, I never lost the desire to be the first to speak my mind.

This likely made me seem like a know-it-all or a show-off. In time I came to appreciate that the best leaders listen much more than they talk. They are deferential to others and show the deepest levels of empathy.

This means not even thinking about how to posture one's own intelligence.

Talking about first and only, we have a formidable accountant in our C-suite at my practice. She is our financial guru and right hand to the partners and shareholders. She is intelligent, and a genuine joy to work with. However, at our group meetings, she always spoke last. By the time she had the floor, there would be only a few minutes left for her to cram in her agenda. Partners would even crack jokes about the negative minutes she had to land her point. I found it unfair and condescending and asked her how she tolerated this treatment.

She told me that she lets everyone else go first, so that she learns what still needs to be said and what doesn't need to be said at all. She explained that not only does it give her the benefit of being armed with more information, but that the shortened time frame taught her to be a clear and concise communicator. Consider me schooled! I had gotten it all wrong. She didn't have to go last; she got to go last. And in doing so, spoke the most efficiently of anyone in the room!

It was a huge lesson for me that held several bits of wisdom. You can learn to turn a perceived slight into a big benefit. There is a time to speak up, and a time to sit back. And ultimately how well someone listens is immeasurably more important than how much they talk.

RESPOND WITH EMPATHY

In my early career my focus with patients was on results. I assumed they would appreciate efficiency and a direct, assertive tone from their confident commanding doctor. Often, I watched the clock, robotically delivered the news, and regurgitated the action plan succumbing to physician-held suppositions of efficiency.

That all changed as I gradually realized this time directives conflicted with my core value of being an empathetic listener. This became blatantly obvious when I started studying the Black Swan group on lessons in tactical empathy and negotiation skills—essentially being in the business of relationships. After all, my job was to deliver devastating news in the worst times of people's lives when they felt most physically sick and mentally in crisis. Their fear held them hostage.

One day I found myself in a room with a young woman with an aggressive form of breast cancer. We were close in age, and the prognosis was uncertain to say the least. I took a breath myself, labeling my own fears and doubts internally. Then I took center stage and told her probably I was going to sound harsh and that a cancer center was probably the last place she wanted to be. She might even feel I could at least have the compassion to add a little more sugar coating. By the end of our appointment, she reassured me that I was not at all harsh or uncompassionate. By giving this patient the room to show up resilient, accepting the cancer elephant in the room and the possibility for things to be imperfect, empathizing with her as opposed to unintentionally patronizing her fears in effort to save myself, we could exercise true humanity. These rooms are not an assembly line of patients. They are the origin story of human trust and rapport.

Many of us may find our jobs to not strictly align with the technical job description, but rather in positions that require an unspoken mastery of interpersonal communication. Holding raw conversations with patients takes an ongoing commitment to practicing the "soft skills" and a willingness to lean into uncomfortable conversations. It reminds me of the parable of the buffalo we observe in nature: Buffalo instinctively know that when there is a storm, they need to run into it. This will lessen the inevitable pain and losses to come. Seems this is no so skill at all, to instinctively catalyze growth, innovation, and curiosity that ensues a fearsome storm.

Physicians must uphold the duty to first do no harm. If we lack empathy, we risk inadvertently hurting. People have families to care for and dreams to realize. They have histories and legacies. In any tough conversation, we embark on a journey that is difficult for both of us but that can lead to joy and depth even in the most seemingly hopeless of times. The time that we waste is not in the ticking office clock, but rather in the accidental ways we are oblivious of each other's suffering.

Implications

You don't have to be an oncologist to leverage the power of empathy. In any conversation you have, in any relationship you are in, make it about respecting the other side. You need not agree with them nor disprove them to show them you feel every human being deserves to be listened to. And the paradox is that this truth includes you. Practicing empathy is an awareness that even when your words may not be a comfort, your character can be.

IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

While I now enjoy my role as a partner, the true work has only just begun. My sights continually elevate as I aspire for executive leadership.

The difference now is that my worth is not tied to the titular achievement. If I could revisit my younger self, I'd implore her not to passively accept life as a series of targets or checkboxes, but rather as a beautiful, continuous adventure as a spiritual being having a human experience. I'd tell myself that money and accolades, while feeling temporarily rewarding, are detractors from that which we can actually take with us beyond time, space, and life—depth of our relationships with others, with ourselves, and the greater forces of nature that are bigger than us all. Invite yourself to grow and aspire in infinite abundance and curiosity.

Honestly, my younger self would not have been ready to listen, though. So true is the difference between knowing the path and walking it.

Now I know, however, that true success lies in the intangible things that hold real value. Knowing what's important to you and intentionally building a life around those values is the real key to genuine fulfillment and lasting success.

Conclusion

I'll leave you with what may seem like a cliché quote but holds profound truth: Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. True success lies in taking the leap of faith that comes in appreciating the intangible.

My hope is that you will join me in sharing your wondrous adventures. When you feel ready, please come find me. Together we will experience curiosity beyond imagination and unlock each other's successes. How beautiful the experience is of hearing and listening to an astonishing voice and realizing that voice is coming from you!